By Jingqian, United States
My daughter is seven years old. She is lively and lovely but also had many bad habits. In order to help her to change them, I was either strict with her or scolded her loudly. At the very beginning, she was afraid of me. But gradually, I found she became rebellious and started to pit herself against me.
She loved watching TV very much; no matter where she went, cellphone or tablet never left her hand. When getting home from school, she threw down her school bag and clamored to watch TV, and even sometimes did her homework perfunctorily for that. Seeing her poor and messy homework really irritated me. So I erased her homework and asked her to redo it; and if it was still sloppy, I would erase it again. My daughter was anxious and said crying, “I don’t want to write, my show’s on.” Looking at her anxious look, I said harshly, “If you don’t carefully do your homework, you can’t watch TV. Only after you finish it well, can you.” At news that I allowed her to watch TV, she then finished her homework carefully. Sometimes, when I took her out to go shopping, she held me with one hand while playing with her cellphone with the other. At home, when she used the bathroom or washed up, she even kept the cellphone in her hands; not only that, but she also watched TV while she having meal; if not allowed, she would not eat, and shifted restlessly in her chair: For a while, she pulled the stool; for a while, she walked back and forth by my side; and for a while, she looked at this or that. Seeing that she got hooked on cellphone and TV at such an early age, I was worried that her sight would be affected, and even worried what if she remained addicted to them like this. Therefore, I often either shouted at her or ignored her, trying to change her bad habit with a stern attitude. As a result, not only did she not give up her bad habit, but we had drifted apart over time.
Once, my daughter annoyed me, and I angrily came down on her. She said to me in tears, “You’re not my mom. My mom is in China.” Hearing her response, I was somewhat dumbfounded. Suddenly, I wanted to cry—my tears almost ran down my face. I knew my way of educating her brought harm to her, but then I wondered why she didn’t understand my feelings as a mother. I was just doing for her good. If only she could be more obedient and sensible!
After accepting God’s work, I saw God’s words are all truths, which can resolve my corrupt disposition, teach me to be a real person, and to live out normal humanity. So, when my child didn’t listen to me sometimes, I would put myself aside and try to fellowship God’s words with her, letting her be able to come before God.
One day, I went to pick up my daughter after school and back to my mother-in-law’s home. Once we arrived, my daughter began to use my cellphone to watch cartoons. I asked her to wash her hands and have meal. I called her three times and then she walked up to me slowly, still glued to her phone. I kept my temper and said to her one more time, “Come on! Granny has already been waiting for us.” Then, I took away the cellphone from her hand. She immediately drew a long face and said, “I won’t eat unless you give it to me.” “Finish your meal and I’ll give it to you, OK?” I coaxed her. “No way.” She said with arms akimbo. At the sight that my daughter who was so young spoke to me with her arms akimbo, I was enraged at once. I roared at her, “You’re going too far. You make me angry every time. I’ve told you to watch it after meal. You just don’t listen.” Unexpectedly, she answered back, “You just say so every time.” Hearing her words, I grew even angrier, and intentionally took up a thong to scare her, “I’ll beat you if you still don’t listen.” Only in that way did she unwillingly begin to eat. Seeing that she ate rice grain by grain, I could do nothing but feel anxious in my heart; and seeing that she intentionally spilled the soup over her clothes when drinking it, I couldn’t control my emotion anymore and snapped at her. She thus burst out crying loudly. Her crying didn’t soften my heart. Instead, I said loudly, “If you don’t eat properly, I’ll drag you out.” Only then did she reluctantly finish her meal in tears. After the meal, I was ready to go home. Seeing that my daughter was playing with toys in the drawing room, I went to embrace her and said, “Baby, mom’s going.” But she just ignored me.
After back home, I was in a bad mood, thinking: Why does the relationship between my daughter and me always come to such a pass? Then, I thought of God’s word: “Actually, in a lot of things, parents refuse to budge from their status as parents. They always see themselves as the elders, and they think that at all times, children must listen to their parents, and that this fact will never change. This leads to constant resistance from their children. Such viewpoints leave both sides miserable, wretched, and exhausted. Is this not a manifestation of not understanding the truth? When people do not understand the truth, they are always constrained by status. How could they not suffer as a result? In such cases, then, how is the truth to be practiced? (By letting go of yourself.) What does letting go mean? With what sort of viewpoint and attitude should you treat this matter in order to genuinely let go? How do you implement this letting go? It is actually pretty simple. You must be an ordinary person, and not constrained by status. Treat your children and other members of your family the same as you would ordinary brothers or sisters. Although you have a responsibility toward them, and a relationship of the flesh with them, nevertheless, the position and perspective you should have is the same as you should have with friends or ordinary brothers and sisters. You absolutely must not stand in the position of a parent, and must not hold your children back, fetter them, or try to control everything about them. You should treat them as equals. You should allow them to make mistakes, to say the wrong things, to do childish and immature things, and to do stupid things. No matter what happens, you should sit down and calmly talk with them, and seek the truth. In this way, you will be talking to them with the right attitude, and the problem will be resolved. What are you letting go of here? You are letting go of the position and status of a parent, the airs of a parent, and all of the responsibility you think you should assume as a parent; instead, it is enough that you do the best you can in terms of responsibility as an ordinary brother or sister.”
According to God’s word and thinking about the way I educated my daughter, was I not assuming the place as a parent to treat her? Was it not that I believe that I bore her, raise her, and am her mother, and that if she didn’t listen to me or act in harmony with my intentions, I should scold her? So, when she didn’t do as I told her, I would often lose my temper with her, and I would stand in the position of her mother to control and restrain her. My daughter is still a child, who is ignorant of many things; so she couldn’t help throwing temper tantrums. What I should do is to patiently commune with her and correctly guide her. But I always made my hot-bloodedness flare up and revealed my corrupt disposition of arrogance and conceit, which restrained her and brought harm to her. This caused our relationship to become worse and worse. So I prayed to God in my heart, “O God! Now I know I always stand in the position of a mother to control my child and ask her to do everything in accordance with my requirement. It’s wrong to teach my child in this way. I’m willing to practice according to Your word, put aside my airs to associate with my daughter, have patience with her, and can commune with her calmly.” Later on, when I associated with my daughter, I consciously practiced the truth, no longer relying on my arrogant disposition to scold her. My practice in this way really made me see God’s wondrous deeds.
One day, my daughter was sitting on the sofa playing with my cellphone when my mother-in-law had made the meal. I served the rice and called my daughter to wash her hands and have meal. When we began to eat, I put away the cellphone and asked her to finish her meal first. But she immediately pulled a long face. I asked her with patience, “What would you like to eat? Mom will pick up for you. Green vegetables?” She shook her head. “Then eggs?” She still shook her head. “Meat?” She still did the same. At once, I lost my temper and said, “You don’t eat vegetables or meat; what do you want to eat?! You can’t only eat rice, or you will be undernourished.” After I vented my anger, I thought: Alas, why did I still rely on my status to scold my daughter? Then, I silently prayed to God, “O God! Please quiet my heart and keep me from revealing hot-bloodedness so that I can practice based on Your word, and patiently educate my daughter.” I calmed down and said to my daughter in a lower voice, “It’s not good to eat nothing. If you only have rice but not vegetables, how could you grow tall? These foods are all created by God; God knows what our bodies need. Only if we aren’t picky about food, can we get enough nutrition. Let’s eat them, OK?” My daughter nodded her head. Just for a while, she finished her meal, as well as consumed a bowl of soup. Thank God! When I put aside my status and communed with her, not only did my daughter become obedient, but I also felt the peace and joy of practicing the truth.
However, my daughter was still hooked on cellphone and TV, which had worried me all along. I had no idea how to communicate with her, so all that I could do was to commit this matter to God and to ask Him to lead me. One day, I read God’s word: “When you fellowship on the truth, and describe something clearly and understandably so that it can edify and benefit others, make them understand God’s will and help them to escape misunderstandings and fallacies, is there any need to be condescending? Do you have to use a lecturing tone? You do not need to scold them, nor do you need to speak loudly; there also is no need to shout, much less be blunt in your words, tone, or intonation. You just need to learn to use a normal tone, fellowship from a position of equality, talk calmly, voice the words in your heart, and endeavor to speak clearly and obviously of what you understand and what others need to understand. When you speak understandably, other people will know what you mean, your burden will be released, they will cease to misunderstand, and you will be clearer on what you are communicating. Does this not edify you both? Is there any need to harangue them? In many cases, there is no need to force this upon them. If you do not force any teachings on them, yet they still refuse to accept what you have to say, what should you do? Some of what you say is the truth, and is fact, but could people accept your words as soon as you utter them? What do they need in order to accept these words, and to change? They need a process; you must give them a process by which to change.” God’s word pointed out the way of practice for me: Right. Instead of always rebuking her loudly, or stopping her from watching TV in a compulsory and regulated way, I should commune with her calmly, and learn to educate her in a patient way; I should tell her how cellphones do harm to people, help her have discernment of positive and negative things, and let her herself make the correct choice.
On the day when my daughter began her holiday, I brought her home, and then sat beside her and said calmly, “Today, mom wants to have a talk with you. Actually, mom doesn’t object to your playing with your cellphone or watching TV, but if you completely addict yourself to them, it’s abnormal. The games or bad things on cellphone or TV are all means and ways Satan uses to deceive us. Satan just uses these things to deceive the people with no truth or discernment of good and evil. You often uncontrollably play with the cellphone or watch TV; even when doing your homework or having meals, you’re still thinking about watching TV. This is not right, is it? Satan just tries every possible means to keep us away from God, so that we have no time to come before God to read and listen to God’s word, and that we also become bored with study and life and only hooked on cellphone or TV. Gradually, we will unwittingly become a bad child who doesn’t keep regular hours in study or in life. So we can’t fall into Satan’s tricks.” Hearing my words, my daughter clenched her fists and said, “Satan goes too far. I’ll no longer fall into its tricks. Mom, why don’t you tell me earlier?” “In the past,” I said, “every time when mom wanted to tell you, you just pulled a long face and was unwilling to listen. If I spoke further, you would cover your ears and refuse to listen. But at that time, mom also didn’t know how to educate you. Once I saw you didn’t listen to me, I criticized or scolded you. This is mom’s fault; mom will correct it. Let’s practice according to God’s word together, and be persons pleased by God.” Hearing what I said, my daughter seemed to be aware of her own incorrect actions. She embarrassedly smiled and said, “Mom, I won’t fall into Satan’s tricks anymore; I’ll change this bad habit.”
One hour later, my daughter said to me, “Mom, I still want to watch TV, but I must hold myself back.” Seeing that my daughter could consciously betray her bad habit, I felt much delighted. Then, I told her, “You should pray to God, and ask God to give you faith and strength; then, you will be able to overcome it. If you could hardly resist watching TV, you can determine your time to watch an episode of cartoon or half of it. Since we made a promise before God, we should keep it.” Then, she went and prayed to God. In the following days, I found my daughter was not as addicted to cellphone or TV as before. Even if she sometimes watched them secretly, she would actively admit her mistake afterward.
One time, when I went to a friend’s shop to buy clothes for my daughter, we talked about our own children. She said her three children were so afraid of her that they dare not to speak one more word to her. While we were chatting, her son came to deliver the meal to her. The child fixed his eyes on her; after he answered her questions, he even didn’t take another look at her mother and then left without speaking anything. At the moment when the child walked out of the door, I suddenly noticed sort of indifference and fear in his eyes. There was no intimacy or bliss between him and his mother. The way my friend educated her children must cast a pall over their hearts. Seeing this scene, I felt regretful for my former way of educating my daughter; at the same time, I was full of gratitude toward God. It was God who made me learn to put aside the status as a parent to commune with and associate with my child. In that way, our relationship between mother and daughter returned to normal. Moreover, I found my daughter was more sensible than before, and that she was also willing to talk to me about the secret in her heart. Once, she said to me, “Mom, I feel I’m really lucky. It’s so nice that I have a mother believing in God. Otherwise, I couldn’t believe in God.” At the sight that my daughter had some change under the leading of God, I felt gratified in my heart. It was God’s word that changed the relationship between my daughter and me. When I changed, my daughter also became sensible. Thank God!
