By Han Xiao
When I was a child, I had a short fuse, angering more easily. Once, my father said a classmate in my class was into study, while I could not come up to her. I became angry right away, saying, “You can regard her as your daughter if you think she is excellent. …” Just because of this, I didn’t say even one word to my father during one week. My family knew clearly that I am hot-tempered, so they all somewhat indulged me. My parents often said helplessly, “The elder children in other families usually yield to their younger brothers and sisters, but it is quite the reverse in our family, which is indeed puzzling our brains! ”
After I graduated from university, I was assigned to a company and worked as a middle-level manager in charge of affairs. I always finished the tasks arranged by my boss within the fixed date so as to gain his trust. Gradually, I couldn’t bear the staff’ dilatory style of work, sometimes, I helped them with their accomplishments; other times, I scolded them crackly. I thought everybody from the leaders to the staff would praise me for my minding the business in our company loyally. Beyond all of my expectations, hard though I worked, I was discussed behind my back by my colleagues who said it was unfortunate for them to run across this type of a leader like me; what’s worse, my supervisors also said it was high time that I controlled my fiery temper.… Hearing those words, I felt unjust. Didn’t I work for the improvement of the achievement in the company? I really wanted to get on well with everyone, but I was not able to control my natural temper! After that, I often warned myself to calm down when encountering things, but I could just do like that temporarily. While I came across a matter I couldn’t help but lose my temper, for which I felt extremely sorry. So I had no choice but to console myself with a foolish policy: “The rivers and mountains may change, but not one’s essential nature.” Can I have a better way of changing my nature that was destined when I was still in my mother’s womb? There will be probably not any single one who can change me for a lifetime.
After marriage, I lived together with my mother-in-law. At first, I could restrain myself a little. As time passed by, I began to be at odds with my husband for some trifles in daily life and even say some hurtful words to him; when I was sometimes unhappy for the too spicy and salt dishes my mother-in-law cooked, I couldn’t vent my unsatisfactory emotion before my mother-in-law but ruffled my temper before my husband. So he said angrily, “You are looking for a bone in an egg. You cannot get accustomed to anything that others do. You are simply to be the overlord in the family.” As far as my ill temper was concerned, it easily came and was difficult to control, for which I often regretted after it had gone. Therefore, I, still not in my thirties, also worried my marriage wouldn’t last long for my bad temper. No! I must abandon it as soon as I could for the sake of my relatives and my career. Consequently, I bought some philosophical books, surfed on the Internet for some biographies of successful people, and thought of those well-known sayings, such as “Think twice before you leap” “Compromise will make a conflict much easier to resolve” as my mottos. However, the greater hope I had for those famous sayings, the greater disappointment I met, for those words couldn’t solve my actual problems at all, I repeatedly fighting and repeatedly meeting defeats. How I wish I could be changed to be lovely, relieved and not to be so painful!
Once, I went to visit my parents and then knew my mother had believed in God. At that time, I didn’t treat it as an important thing. But after a while, I found my mother was transformed into a new person. My mother used to be ill-tempered, while my father was androcentric, who disagreed with each other and often set clouds of smoke floating over the whole family for some insignificant things. However, after my mother had faith in God, she could say to my father in a calm tone even if my father was angry for some affairs; sometimes, even in the busy farming season, when my father wandered out for a little while, my mother would no more be a chat box. I thought to myself: How has the bad temper of my mother been transformed? Does God really have so great a power to remove the hot temper from my mother? I also want to ask for such a God to alter my bad temper. Then, through the fellowship of my mother, I knew God has incarnated personally, uttering words and saving man, to change man’s corrupt nature and have man break free from the influence of Satan.… Having had a knowledge of these, I accepted God’s work in the last days pleasantly.
Then, my mother told me, “No matter how high the mottos are conveyed in biographies, culture and knowledge, they cannot change man, while the authoritative and powerful words of God can do.” My mother read a passage of God’s words as she said, “Before he was corrupted by Satan, man naturally followed God and obeyed His words after hearing them. He was naturally of sound sense and conscience, and of normal humanity. After being corrupted by Satan, man’s original sense, conscience, and humanity grew dull and were impaired by Satan. Thus, he has lost his obedience and love toward God. Man’s sense has become aberrant, his disposition has become the same as that of an animal” (“To Have an Unchanged Disposition Is to Be in Enmity to God” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). My mother said, “The mankind of the very beginning lived happily, however, they didn’t obey God later, betrayed and stayed far away from God’s care and protection. Then their hearts were captured by Satan, and gradually sunk and were corrupted till they lost their original conscience and sense, living on by the poisons like ‘I am my own lord throughout heaven and earth’ ‘Those who submit will prosper; those who resist shall perish’ instilled in man by Satan. They considered only their own interests, attempted to be delighted to their great satisfaction and utilized rash impulse in whatever they did. As a result, they often did what was too late to repent, miserable. God doesn’t have the heart to behold Satan having been afflicting us, so He expresses the truth to protect man from the influence of Satan, letting us to live by truth….” After hearing God’s word and what my mother said, I thought those are reasonable, directed directly at me. Recalling carefully, I flared up into rage at any time and everywhere, neglecting others’ feelings and only satisfying my individual desires which were originally brought by the satanic nature harmed by Satan’s poisons.
Then, I saw God’s words, “Once a man has status, he will often find it difficult to control his mood, and so he will enjoy seizing upon opportunities to express his dissatisfaction and vent his emotions; he will often flare up in rage for no apparent reason, so as to reveal his ability and let others know that his status and identity are different from those of ordinary people. Of course, corrupt people without any status also often lose control. Their anger is frequently caused by damage to their private interests. In order to protect their own status and dignity, corrupt mankind will frequently vent their emotions and reveal their arrogant nature. Man will flare up in anger and vent his emotions in order to defend and uphold the existence of sin, and these actions are the ways in which man expresses his dissatisfaction; they brim with impurities, with schemes and intrigues, with man’s corruption and evil, and more than anything else, they brim with man’s wild ambitions and desires. … Regardless of whether one becomes angry in the sight of others or behind their backs, everyone has a different intention and purpose to their anger. Perhaps they are building up their prestige, or maybe they are defending their own interests, maintaining their image or keeping face. Some exercise restraint in their anger, while others are more rash and allow their rage to flare up whenever they wish without the least bit of restraint. In short, man’s anger derives from his corrupt disposition. No matter what its purpose, it is of the flesh and of nature; it has nothing to do with justice or injustice because nothing in man’s nature essence corresponds to the truth” (“God Himself, the Unique II” in The Word Appears in the Flesh).
Having read God’s word, I understood that one loses his temper in order to fulfill a certain intention or purpose of himself, such as to keep face and maintain image, which, all in all, are dispositions that are of the flesh and of Satan. At times, when my younger brother didn’t obey me, I would often lose control in order to keep my face, thinking he should obey me because I am his elder sister; when there were disagreements between my parents and me, I must have them accord with mine, otherwise, I would argue with them, thinking they are almost illiterate, while I have a rich knowledge; when I felt my husband didn’t satisfy me, I took it for granted that I managed the household and what I said carried weight, thinking I could competently earn more money than him; when unhappy things occurred between the staff and me, I would safeguard my fame and gain, position and benefits, thinking, that they couldn’t finish the quota tasks would affect my image in the supervisors’ hearts, the development of my prospect, my incomes and even the year-end bonus.… Many such things had happened. At the moment, I shed tears of remorse. In all of the things that could cause me to be rash, there hid my intentions and interests, of which I either defended my dignity, either maintained vanity and status, either manifested my identity, or showed my ability off. God’s words have thoroughly revealed something essential in my deep soul, which made me deeply realize that only God can see through man’s nature and substance; God’s word cannot be read in any of the books in the world. Eventually, I made a resolution secretly in my heart: I’ll believe in God faithfully, read more words of God, practice the truth according to the requirements of God’s words and get rid of the corrupt disposition inside me.
From then on, I started to try putting God’s words into practice. My mother-in-law cooks spicy and salt dishes all her life. Now that I have believed in God, I shouldn’t change her years of life habit according to my preferences but adapt to the circumstance attentively by praying to God, neither choosing nor picking out, and eating whatever is to be cooked. Having practiced for a period of time, I relaxed the relationship between my mother-in-law and me and got along well with her. This shallow experience made me taste the sweetness of practicing God’s words, so I’ll practice more of God’s words in future. Nevertheless, I paid little attention to my satanic nature. And this kind of outward alternation wasn’t that of disposition. In the following days, God created practical environments for me again to change me.
After a short time, my mother told me my brother had taken away all the money for my sister’s dowry and all the deposits at home to purchase furniture for his new building. After knowing that, I felt very angry, thinking to myself: How selfish my brother was! How could he take all the money away before consulting with us! How could he ignore the feelings of the families, especially my soon-to-be-married sister! It is rather heart-breaking.… At this minute, I had a rising hot temper from the bottom of my heart, pouring out immediately some hatred-venting words to let out my discontentment. All of a sudden, I realized I had revealed corrupt disposition once again. Then, I prayed to God quickly, “God! I was sorrowful at this minute. I am afraid I will burst out conveying my rage and give Satan a chance to find a loophole on me. May God keep me quiet and from doing wrong. God! I am willing to live out the likeness of a normal man. May You lead me to understand Your will.” After praying, I was at ease and began to read God’s words, “No one is perfect, no one is an angel. No one is living in a vacuum. Every single person has these thoughts, and this corruption is revealed by everyone. … When faced with some little issue, as soon as they hear, see, or just feel something that isn’t right, this corrupt disposition will be revealed at any time, at any place. Why can it come out at any time and any place? (People aren’t in control of their nature.) What does this prove? People have that kind of nature within them, and their essence is a corrupt satanic disposition. … You see, some small thing, when it touches on someone’s own interests, their corrupt disposition will be revealed. When their corrupt disposition is revealed, the truth is necessary to resolve it. They must enter into the reality of the truth and understand the relevant truth in order to resolve the issue. They have to understand the relevant truth to resolve the issue at hand. Then without even realizing it, they will mature, they will grow up; they will change in this aspect. And when they change, they’ll have more and more strength for overcoming their own difficulties and weaknesses, and overcoming degenerate thoughts of their indulgences and greedy comforts. They’ll no longer be so cowardly or fragile” (“Only Resolving Your Corrupt Disposition Can Free You From a Negative State” in Records of Christ’s Talks).
After reading God’s words, I understood that corrupt satanic disposition people reveal represents the substance and nature of man, which can only be solved by truth. Or else, we will never live out the likeness of a true man without resolving the corrupt disposition. It turned out that my stubbornness having confused me from my childhood to adulthood is dominated by the corrupt nature of arrogance and conceit. I want others to surround me at any place and follow my wishes in every matter. I want to have a place in their hearts. Whether I was right or wrong, I was always holding on to my own opinions, injecting flesh at my will and creating a conflict rashly even though there was a slightest of satisfaction, and even shutting my mouth until other person involved would make an apology to me. Not only did these dispositions make me live in pain, but also they did harm to the relatives around me. Thinking of these, I unknowingly controlled my mood. Thank God for keeping me. Thus I dealt with the trouble of my family with my own money. However, a few days later, my brother came and paid up all my money, and moreover, he said embarrassedly he had eased my parents and asked me to be relieved, too. Through the practical experience, I deeply sensed that God’s word is so authoritative, and only God’s words can change my arrogant disposition—stubbornness that has bound me for many years, from which I firmly, then, recognized God can change man.
In our following church life, I saw that the brothers and sisters are decent and upright, have principles in their words and actions, and they have the decorum of the saints and are pious to God. Moreover, they always closely follow God’s word when getting on with one another, humiliate, obedient, tolerant, patient, loving. And they are never mad at others randomly, analyzing, laying bare together and bringing others benefits when having words. There I also learned to be open and lay bare my corruptions, analyzing my satanic nature. Not only did the brothers and sisters denigrate and look down upon me, but they fellowshiped with me how they had broken away from satanic corrupt dispositions time after time depending on God’s words. Such a church life does do good to me. Through my experiences, I realized the truth is of great importance to us and the truth is the guidance of our lives! I think I am the most blessed and fortunate person to have followed God in my life!
Once in a while, I will have brushes with my families and colleagues, however, I can practice God’s words and betray my nature little by little, laying face aside and apologizing to others honestly. Now my husband and colleagues will have heart-to-heart talks with me actively when they find I am not like before. Owing to my transformation after believing in God, my brother also believed in God, who said I managed whatever I wanted in the past and didn’t give freedom to others. Now it is good for our whole family not to be constrained by me, living freely. I know the little change on me should be attributed to God’s word that has achieved its effect on me.
In the past, to remove my stubbornness, I tried my utmost to control myself by consulting, reading books, surfing the net and using famous mottos, but at last, I failed every time, which made me think passively I will not change in all my life. Now, God’s word has lighted up my wonderful life. Only the truth can guide me to let go of the bondage of Satan and bestow me strength and confidence that can overcome Satan so that my heart can get released and free. I deeply feel I am the most blessed. Thank God!
